Is love worth the wait or is temporary company worth the trouble? This is a question that I ask myself whenever I receive an invite for empty attachment that I know will lead to a dead end. There's this part of me that still believes that there is someone for everyone, that when we were created there was a mate planned for us. I am a realist so I understand that not everyone will live happily ever after. My theory, it's a case of bad timing, meeting the love of your life at a bad point in your life and either not realizing it or messing it up because you weren't ready. Let's be real, in 2016 relationships are not tailored the way that they used to be. I was speaking to a young woman who is turning out to be a wonderful friend, our conversation was on the value of relationships when our aunties, grandparents and possibly even parents dated compared to what dating is like now. Dating in my generation has turned into a lifetime of "talking." Not meaningful talking that actually allows you to get to know the other person but a non characterized limbo where faithfulness is practiced by one party but usually not both. A lack of commitment and the ability to bail at any given point because boundaries were never established. A realm of low self esteem and lack of self respect. I'm old school, that doesn't work for me. Then there is the relationship that is a disaster but continues because let's face it who really wants to be single in their late 20's or 30's. Every day I am faced with engagement announcments, wedding photos, "we're pregnant' announcemts. To be in a relationship is the new thing. In a community of people trying "to live right" relationships go from we just met to we are married in 0-100. That doesn't work for me either. Rome wasn't built in a day and I feel there are stages of relationships and it can't be rushed. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone what's the rush. But how do you manage the in between stage. The "I am single" phase. When you are proposed with "Netflix and Chill" what do you do? Do you give in to temporary satisfaction or do you wait. Do you continue to add bruises to your heart  by giving it to the wrong candidate or strengthen it by loving yourself and trusting in your destiny. It is so easy to make the wrong decision, to enjoy life, in the moment and think about the consequences later. Let's face it, how many relationships have you had that you knew would end up a disaster yet you allowed it to happen anyway. Sometimes actually allowing yourself to give your heart to the person. I haven't always made the best decision, who has. But at the stage where I am in my life, I now choose to wait. My friendzone has grown immensely. The friendzone is the first stop on the train for everyone and the right man at the right time will make his way out.  I must admit it is extremely difficult but Love is worth the wait. God has provided every need in my life so why would I doubt him with my heart. Honestly I feel that this is the biggest test of my personal faith. I choose to wait. I choose to continue to strengthen my heart and establish my personal foundation until it happens. The next phase of my story begins.

-Ordinary Girl

Where is the MEAT in the relationships

I spent my entire Monday night watching the bachelor and was touched but also dumbfounded as to how someone after 3 months of knowing another could be ready to propose. I would never put a relationship in a box and say it has to go a certain way but I need just a little more time than that. On top of that I need a little more time where it was just us exclusively; you chilling with shorty the night before you proposed to me in no shape or form would be ok. What happened to the meat of relationships? I am not a salad kind of girl I need some meat, some substance, something that is going to take a lot to be broken down. In dating during this single period I have interacted with so many different styles of men and most I almost immediately know why they are single. Their priorities are messed up, they don’t care about who you are but mainly how they can get in your pants. I have lots of brothers I know that they are almost all trying to get there and all trying to get their eventually but the lead in is terrible. Someone asked me did I know how to use my lips, in no way does that say that they are looking for a relationship and any type of future past the 2 minutes that is all they probably can provide. Where’s the meat? To me the meat of a relationship is really getting to know someone, playing investigator and asking all the questions that help you learn just a little about who they are. To begin the process of peeling back the layers of who they are before even allowing your heart to get involved. Now I am a woman so that window is very short but in acknowledging any sort of feeling you also have to pay attention to what is being given by the other party. Stop giving your heart to men that are showing no interest in any type of future, stop falling when your a filler. But that's a different subject so back to the meat. Get past the infatuation phase, those first couple of months when you cling to their every word, you can’t imagine what you would ever argue about, you just know they are heaven sent.. And then the endorphins wear off and where are you. To me love is unconditional acceptance. Before loving someone you should have already been presented them in different scenarios, stages, atmospheres. You should have already saw them at a high as well as low and have been presented with conflicts that you had to decide whether or not you were willing to deal with them longterm. So to accept them as they are to me is the definition of love. Know I do know people who pretend to be one thing and they are in fact not, this is an unfair trick and ultimately forces you to love someone you were never supposed to. Love is communicating freely and having the willingness to tweak things that will ultimately create the best relationship. In the business we call it constructive criticism, that tough love for the greater good. I don’t mind that. Tell me what I need to do and let’s make the changes. Changing doesn’t mean losing yourself but if you gotta work on that smacking in order for you to progress your relationship guess what; get it together. Know who you are dealing with as best as possible before giving away your heart because it’s harder to get it back then to never give it up. Love is a risk that deserves to be taken but calculated it has to be. Enjoy the phase of the unknown. Not knowing what will come of this new relationship, exploring the vibrant feelings that are all over the place. Recognizing lust but not giving into it just because it’s there. Going slow yet savoring the stolen moments. Being smart because whether lasting friendship or relationship it has to be built on a sturdy foundation… some MEAT!

Do YOU really know YOU?

So what does the other side of the journey feel like, the moment when things are finally starting to make sense again, the pieces are fitting in every area of your life. I can only describe it as refreshing. Perfection is never the case, there will always be a bill due, a problem to solve, and issue waiting for your attention, but to acknowledge that things are going well is necessary. Every few years I really ask myself if I am happy with the way that life is going for me. If I am I pinpoint what about my life is going well, usually in a stable relationship, job that I don’t particularly hate, more or less drama free at that point. If I am not happy I do the same thing and all the areas are usually the same; dysfunctional relationship, hate my job, more drama than I care for. So what about ME<<< … To be 100% happy just because I am ME is something that I have not been able to admittedly say before this last year. I always enjoyed being who I am, I think my parents did an awesome job meshing their chromosomes and making me. I’m genuine, I’m cool ( at least I think so), I’m not hard to look at, an overall decent person. But when measuring my happiness I would put more emphasis on the situations I was in rather than who I am. I would allow what was going on around me, to me, for me to define ME. Over the past 15 months I have completely shed the old skin of who I was and underneath was a shiny rich skin that I had no idea even existed. I thought I was just getting over a devastating situation but I was becoming who I was meant to be. I found me; minus what other people wanted me to be, what others dreamed for me or even didn’t like about me. In letting go of something that had me completely bound for a while I gained so many truths about myself. I’m prepared to answer personal, intimate questions about who I am and what I want because I know, because I’ve thought about it and explored myself. In order to ask God for someone to get to know you at your deepest level you yourself has to know. You can’t send someone on a wild goose chase and you have no idea where your sending him. I found likes that I never knew I had. I love to write. I’m not a poet or a songwriter but I like to candidly express my thoughts for whomever chooses to read it. I live a life that is the same as soooo many others and I am bold enough to talk about it. I have also learned dislikes that I didn’t know were as large. I can’t take a person not doing what they say they are going to do; I don’t need the world I just need commitments to be kept, someone I can depend on. I have enhanced my style, and fully embraced who I am. Me alone. What makes me tick. I can honestly say that I am at my happiest in all my 26 years as a single woman in a generation of fast relationships, marriages, and procreation. In nooooooooo way am I saying that I don’t want a relationship. I look forward to spending every day with a man who loves God, his family, his children and ME. But he won’t define who I am but yet “deposit into my emotional bank account” KB. I know so many females who are literally depressed when single, and I don’t get it. When single you come and go as you please, do what you want and only have to think about yourself and the effects on you. YES there are lonely moments but that’s what fillers are for let’s keep it real. I think it is unfair to go into any type of relationship promising forever and you don’t know a thing about yourself because you have bounced from relationship to relationship. I know someone who in the last 6 years has been in 3-2 year relationships. So the fact that this person is married at the age of 26 isn’t a definition of love. How do you know what you want if you haven’t been alone since you were 20 an age when you have NO idea who you are. I think everyone needs a period where they can really get to know themselves and when the timing is right your good match will surface…

Just a thought

Has Marriage become a Fad?

Is it just me or are there an increasingly large amount of “engagements” going on these days. It seems as if getting married is just the thing to do, the new club to be in, the hottest title to have. Now I totally understand how that first statement may be viewed as “hating” but it’s just a simple observation. Every day I hear about some young couple (many times I didn’t even know the person was in a relationship) announcing their engagement. In that same day I hear about another that announced theirs last year announcing their divorce. Got my wheels turning on the subject.

When I think of marriage I think of forever. I don’t imagine a white dress and a huge overly priced party full of people you haven’t spoken to in years. I imagine a man and a woman declaring that no matter what they have to go through they will make it work, forever. I am not 100% opposed to divorce, after you have given your all and honestly tried by every means necessary and things still refuse to get better then do what you have to do. But no marriage, if gone into for the right reasons should end in the first year or two. You should still be honeymooning (dear future husband we are honeymooning forever) not divorcing. But when you didn’t gain the proper knowledge about your mate before you entered into a marriage that is where you end up; divorced or separated forever. This is not how it was intended to be and it’s not what I want for my future. Marriage has become a fad, the thing to do, and it needs to change.

Growing up in the Christian community you hear all the young women talking about how they want a Boaz. Oh Send me a Boaz. Well I don’t want a Boaz. YES he was a beautiful man inside and out. But the only baggage Ruth had was her mother in law. Know I know that sounds like a lot but it’s really not. A lot of women are calling for a Boaz and that’s what they are getting, a man that carries the looks but isn’t built to endure too much more than a small bag, a carry on. That’s all the baggage you can posses. I don’t know anyone who is carrying something that small. All relationships leave you with something, good or bad and we carry it. The art is to properly place it so that it is useful. What I want is a Joseph. Huh? Mary carried real baggage (do not take this as me calling Jesus baggage, I am ONLY speaking of the situation). I don’t know a man, any man that would be ok with his woman just popping up pregnant and  I don’t think they would care by who. Joseph was faced with indescribable baggage and he stayed. He took Mary as his wife and raised the young boy as his own. That’s the type of man I desire. A man that can face the impossible by my side.  I am sure this is what all women want now that they think about it. But who is willing to go past the point of infatuation and find that person. The point of infatuation that first couple months, it usually lasts as long as 4 when you just can not get enough of that new new of the relationship. You hang on every word that they say, their scent, their walk everything just gets you going. You have no idea what real issues they have or how big their baggage really is because all you see is what you want to see in that period. Most Christian relationships don't make it very long past this period because they are trying to "live right" I know way to many couples who got married so they have indulge in shameless sex but that's a whole different story.. THEN WHAT. .. It wears off and you begin to see what you are really dealing with and at the speed most are traveling they are already way too deep to walk away.

I think that marriage is a beautiful thing, I look forward to the day when I am able to give my forever to another person. But I reserve the right to be picky. I want to make sure I know who he is and have begun to fully peel back the layers of him. I am more interested in why he does what he does than what he does. I desire to fully connect with my mate first so my forever has a fighting chance. Marriage is more than playing house;  when the walls of the house come crumbling down, are you standing next to someone who will help you to rebuild or move on to someone who is offering something else.

Just food for thought..

humility... your being groomed for greatness

In writing for my church's facebook page my writing seemed more like a blog post so I choose to share it with you:::::...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were actually embarrassed to admit that you were in it. Have you ever been in a humiliating spot. Humility is defined at the modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness. Humility is often looked at in a negative light but it is actually something that builds character and faithfulness in God. Humility prepares you for where God is intending on taking you and teaches you to appreciate where you are currently. Too much pride can put a damper on the praise you offer to God so through humility he regains his position in your life. If you never want for anything you will never appreciate all that you have. If God has never had to bring you out of a situation there would be no way that you would have the relationship with him as if he had. When you get in a humbling situation it is imperative that you do not allow it to place doubt in your heart making room for temptation. But continue to hold on to God and his promises for you KNOWING that in due time, at the right time you will regain the footing you should have. Remember where God has already brought you from and I promise you he didn’t choose this time to leave you by the waste side. God is faithful we just have to allow him to work.

I myself am in a very humble position; starting over after finally finding comfort, allowing people to see that I am only human, being ok with the fact that I am living very meagerly. I think of Job often comparing myself loosely to his situation. I've literally lost family, friends, my way of life but through it all I have God and the best relationship I've had with him in my entire life. There is no way that I should be making it BUT GOD>>> I try to constantly remind myself,as you should, to not despise your days of small beginnings. God is grooming you for what he has for you. Imagine if you received a large lump sum of money; you would waste it or something would come up just in time to wipe you out. Think back to taxes or financial aid payments past... God is grooming you so that through faithfulness and preparation when he gives you an opportunity for financial freedom, better relationships, peace of mind; whatever you are seeking you will be able to make the right decisions and appreciate it most .

What type of ground are you offering ...

I recently looked up the definition of the word “seed.” It has been declared the time of the Harvest and there are so many analogies being thrown about referring to this. A seed can be defined as a source or beginning; a small amount of material used to start a chemical reaction. Seeds in the natural are your actions, your thoughts, but mostly your words. People can forgive your action and your thoughts can progress through personal growth but words stick; they plant themselves in the heart of the receiver and grow… Speak kind words one to another planting good seeds in the heart of your peers. In the spiritual realm the word is the seed. In Mark 4:14 Jesus says “The sower soweth the word.” This is the word your hear through sermons, the word you read speaking to yourself as well as the word you speak to others through witnessing. Jesus breaks down in Mark 4 the different types of land that the word is sown into. This is one of my favorite parables because he tells them the parable then breaks it down leaving no room for wrong interpretation. It allows you to really see where you are in your walk with God and where you want to be.

Is the word you are receiving being sown into stony ground, among thorns, or not even sown at all but being thrown to the waste side? I personally have been in all of these categories. The key is realization and determination to move forward in your spiritual journey seeking the good prosperous ground.

Those whose word is being thrown by the waste side (Mark 4:15) may in fact hear the word; whether it be a preacher, preaching or someone witnessing to them. Before they can even digest the words that they heard, it is immediately taken away. They may not like the person who is speaking to them, maybe don’t agree with the particular teaching, but for whatever reason it is dismissed immediately. In situations like this it is imperative that the sower does not get discouraged. Sometimes God sends you to the one person you would rather not witness to just to test your wiliness to obey. Saved or not where God says go and speak you must obey. Jeremiah 1:7 says “… and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak.” Now the Lord was speaking to Jeremiah the prophet but it’s the same principle for us today. I have personally had to speak to someone who had wronged me and I know they weren’t in the mind frame to hear any scripture from me but I refused to stump my personal growth for fear of how someone would receive from me.

 Individuals who are letting their word fall into stony ground (Mark 4:16) are those that have not established roots. Those who you see come to church faithfully then STOP. They are the feel good saints that appreciate those happy, let’s talk about the goodness of God sermons but as soon the preacher starts calling them out on what they need to do for the Lord it gets too hard. As soon as troubles or persecution comes for the words sake they can’t handle it. They grow offended and turn their back to God. The life of a sinner does seem simpler than that of a Christian at times but I promise get to where God has intended and there will be nothing you can’t do.

Thorns… If I had to put people I know personally in a category it would be that most of them fall into this category. These individuals hear the word. Really hear it, really take it in; but their lives and the way of the world completely disintegrate it. Have you ever heard anyone say “be in the world but not of the world?” We are born into this world so we have to be in it, the only way to escape that is through death but as Christians we should not be of the world (1 John 2:15-16). We should walk, talk, carry ourselves different. NO NO NO I am not asking you to be holier than thou I am just saying that if your in a room full of unsaved individuals people can notice a difference; even if it’s just your demeanor. I know a lot of folk that act holy with the holy and not with the unsaved; this isn’t what I’m talking about either. But who you innately are showcases a walk with Christ. I’m 25, most times you will see me in jeans and a top, I have natural hair and always have a set of ear phones in my ear. I look like a lot of other 25 year old students. But I have had people tell me there was something different about me, a sweet calming spirit that attracts people; that’s the God in me because before I was a fireball. There is a difference. To describe the ground full of thorns Jesus says in Mark 4:19 “and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word and it becometh unfruitful…” Love God more than your money, car, clothes and any other worldly possession. Love the giver of these things more than the things themselves.

Finally the good ground… This is where God desires for us all to be. The ground that hears the word and lets it linger and grow, changing us from the inside out. Those who really take the word and apply it to their lives; those who receive it! “… and bring forth fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixtyfold, and some an hundred.” There are different stages in this category as there are different commitment levels in Christians. If you know you aren’t giving 100% there is room to grow. I don’t think anyone witnesses to every single person they have an opportunity to witness to, and doesn’t really take to heart every word they receive. Personal progress is the key and really acknowledging where you area personally and pushing to becoming better.

Are you on God's plan or your own!

This new millennium has birthed a fast paced, give me now generation that is centered on instant gratification. With the internet, cell phones, skype and email you don’t have to wait on anything. You can even have dinner ready in the time it takes to drive around a building. There is nothing wrong with technology and the steps that it has taken but God has not changed and you still have to wait on him. God has devised a plan for each and every one of us and most times OUR time is not GOD’s time. In just speaking to people it seems as if a lot of individuals have a list of things they want from God. This list doesn’t include the Holy Ghost, an unwavering spirit or the desire to witness but a husband that can sing, or is physically attractive. I recently spoke to someone about them being single and they said yes God knows my heart so he knows that my husband needs to be this and that. NO! God knows your heart so he knows that you want to be happy ultimately. Whether that’s single or with a spouse that doesn’t have everything on your list, you just want to be happy. You could get a person who has everything you desired on your list and they treat you terribly; which is usually the case. Trust in God’s plan. Have you ever met someone who prayed for a new job and once they get it they still weren’t happy so they pray for another new job. Oh I do. .. The moment I threw my hands up and said “Lord your will be done in my life” and was serious about that thing, my life has changed completely. Things are falling into place perfectly and it’s going in a direction that I had never imagined. I was always going to the nursing path. I said I was going to be a doctor and my family attached themselves to that dream and that’s where I was headed. After really spending time with Renee and getting to know who I am without anyone else I realized I love to write. I want my voice to be heard farther than I can scream. The moment I made that change in my mindset; I was offered a position writing for a magazine, I was offered a writing position at my church and my and began blogging. When it’s God’s plan the pieces fall perfectly. I didn’t seek any of these positions they were given to me. I love the statement we say at my church “God will use someone somewhere to use their power and influence to better your life”. Whenever I think of believing in God’s plan no matter what I am taken back to Abraham. This man loved his son, he prayed for Isaac, he was promised Isaac; yet when God asked for Isaac back he was willing to do so.  Some people debate that Abraham knew that God would deliver Isaac and maybe in the back of his mind her really really hoped he would. I can imagine him being obedient yet praying for a miracle. Abraham lifted the knife to slay his son, which shows me that he was in it all the way. God after seeing his dedication allowed him to sacrifice the ram that was caught in the bush. God’s way is perfect and even if you go through detours that you wouldn’t have chosen, believe in your destiny and remain faithful and you will be blessed.